I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
