Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
