i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
