I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
