He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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