I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
