I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
