I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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