I smell stomach acid.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
