Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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