I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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