Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
there's paper in my vomit.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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