Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
