May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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