even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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