Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
