Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
