last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
