party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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