There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
