I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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