Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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