Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
