If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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