I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
