Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
