She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
