I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
