I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
