My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
