I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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