He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
