this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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