two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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