The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
