Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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