I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
