I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
