So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I pour the whiskey from now on
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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