I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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