Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
