we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
