Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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