in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
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I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
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I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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