just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
