mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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