why didn't you poke me back
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
