I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
