Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
