If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
