I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
