i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How does it feel to date your dad?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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