Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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