Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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