I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
