just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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