just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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